Lights. Camera. Amor.: February 2012

January 26th was my regular perinatologist appointment at 1:20 pm. They did my weekly ultrasound to closely monitor my baby's growth. And I remember it took forever for my doctor to talk to me. I had a gut feeling I wasn't going to receive good news. When the doctor finally called me back to her office I could tell something was up. Dr. W wanted me to be induced since my gestational diabetes was acting up even though I was taking medication. It seems like it wasn't working anymore. Also, my amniotic fluid was still low. And on top of that, she was no longer gaining enough weight. They (my many doctors) believe my placenta was aging and it was a danger for my daughter to stay in longer. I knew this might happen but hearing all this information all of sudden made my heart sink. I knew this was the right route for my baby to get out healthy and happy. Off I went, to grab my hospital bags at home and waited till my husband came home so that we can head out to the women center so that we can have our daughter. My MIL was able to take care of Hideki and Nozomi since I want my sister to be there with me. She's been to Hideki and Nozomi's birth. I definitely didn't want her to miss Sayuri's birth.

We got to the hospital close to 4 pm. For the first time I felt quite nervous with this labor & delivery. I had mixed emotions since I went through so much with this pregnancy. The nurse finally hooked me up to the monitors. The joy of constantly hearing my baby's heartbeat warms my heart. Its pretty relaxing. I then realized her heartbeat dropped down to 66 when normally it's in the 150s. I asked the nurse why its low and she said its because I had a contraction. But deep down inside I just felt like something was wrong. The nurse made me switch position and it helped her heart rate go back to normal. But after a few minutes her heart rate dropped again after a contraction. I was getting quite nervous since I never went through this with my previous pregnancies. I knew something was different but I remained calm so I wouldnt stress my baby out. My Midwife finally, came by (same midwife that assisted my daughter, Nozomi's birth) and she thought breaking my water would help progress my labor and she wanted to add the intrauterine pressure catheter (IUPC) to help measure an accurate force of every contraction. Once she broke my water and added the IUPC, i see the nurse's face and I can tell she's putting a game face on. She gave me an oxygen mask so that Sayuri can have more oxygen. All of a sudden something terribly went wrong. I had to quickly get on my knees so that her heart rate can regulate. I see my husband's and sister's face...they were speechless and looked dumbfounded. I see all these nurses running into my room...I tried to remain calm but I felt tears running down my face. In the background I could hear my daughter's heart beat fade away. My worst nightmare happened when I could no longer hear her heartbeat. I see and hear the nurses voice secretly, panicking trying to find my baby's heart beat. My midwife came to me and said "we will have to do an emergency c-section. We have to put you to sleep entirely. Your baby is in stress. Your husband can't be in the room with you. Don't worry I'll be there with you". Stephanie (midwife) is amazing but I really wanted my husband by my side. I looked at Gabe, his eyes widened and I felt petrified. I felt as if I had a lump in my throat. All I could feel my eyes watered. I just felt a sudden wave of emotions crash into me. My sister came to me and rubbed my back and said "everything will be ok". As the nurses were quickly getting ready to take me to the OR all I can say to my husband and sister is "I love you" I didn't have the chance to hug nor kiss them goodbye. I see everyone rushing and all I could do is pray whole heartedly, nonstop. As they wheeled my bed to the operating room, I felt a gush of freezing air. I felt like I was in a freezer. My whole body was trembling (Its a mixture of the cold Operating room plus my nerves getting the best of me). I couldn't control my shaken body until they finally put warm blankets on me. My midwife stood by (like she promised) and explained the process. She made me feel secure and safe. I was so grateful that she came to the OR with me. I needed support from someone I know. I see two nurses struggling to put the IUPC in my uterus but they were having a hard time, so Dr. R attempted to try and he was successful. Ow! Was that painful!!! I definitely didn't like that part.

Everything that was happening in the operating room felt so surreal. I felt like I was in a haze and everything was going in slow motion. I wanted my daughter out already. I want her in my arms, safe and sound. But it felt like forever. Dr. R tells me if Sayuri's heart rate is regulated then they can do a spinal anesthesia instead putting me to sleep completely and then my husband can come in. I was hoping for that outcome. As they were prepping for the surgery her heart rate was finally stabilizing. I was relieved that the OB agree to do a spinal anesthetic. My husband can finally be by my side for our daughter's birth. Dr. R admitted that if I had my baby girl vaginally, she wouldn't have made it. Her heart rate dropped dramatically. The stress would have been too much for her to handle a normal delivery. The thought of losing my daughter scared me. Once the spinal kicked in and made sure everything that's suppose to be numb was in fact numb, everything started moving right along. A sheet went up to cover the view of the surgery (yes, I wouldnt want to see my insides, out!) I remember as that sheet was going up, my heart rate went up...I started to get nervous. So many things were running through my mind...she's almost here, I'm about to be cut open and the fear of losing her. Finally, my husband was brought back into the room, all dressed up in scrubs. His presence made me feel a lot better. When he's nervous he'll say small jokes to lighten the mood. And that helps me to relax as well. He was so amazing that night. I'm so glad he didn't over react when things went south. It helped me to remain calm. In the OR there was about 15 + people in there, excluding us. I felt like it was such an intense atmosphere. It was so scary. I must say the whole team was amazing. They helped me to remain calm but they kept saying how I'm unbelievably strong to not let my emotions get the best of me. They told me mothers tend to scream, cry hysterically or they are very expressive and vocal. I in the other hand, remember my mothers advice when I was pregnant with my first. She told me, "don't let your emotions get in the way of your pregnancy because then your baby will stress out. It can be harmful to your child". That advice has been engraved in my mind. I always try to remember it. I am proud of myself that in a tough situation I was able to control my emotions and not let my emotions control me. I certainly didn't want to make matters worse than it already is.

I knew we were just a few minutes away to see our baby girl when both the OB and midwife said "you are going to feel a lot of pressure". I let out a deep breath...And just suddenly, I heard her first cry. I cried and cried (still emotional about it) because I knew that she was going to be all right. I knew the battle is done. I waited to see my precious girl and I was hoping to see her sweet face pop up over the screen but the nurses quickly whisked her away to the bed warmer to check her out and make sure she's okay. Gabe got up to see his daughter and you can hear his joy and excitement in the tone of his voice as he was snapping pictures of his newborn daughter. I could hear her cries and see my husband from afar. I wasn't holding her yet but I knew she was safe with daddy. A few minutes passed the nurse brought her closer to me and when I saw her face my heart grew larger. I kissed her porcelain face for the first time. And I couldn't stop myself from crying. All the struggles I went through with this pregnancy was finally over. She's now safe and healthy. I'm so glad she came out fine without any major medical problems. The doctors did consider her premature because of her size even though I was 37 weeks and 1 day when I gave birth. She's such a strong baby. Sayuri only had a mild case of jaundice; no photo therapy was needed. Thank Jehovah, for this beautiful blessing.

I'm not going to lie, having a c-section wasn't easy. The recovery is painful and frustrating. I'm not able to move as freely as I like. I'm not able to carry my son nor my 14 month old daughter. It saddens me that I'm not capable yet. But I am truly grateful of all the help I have so that I can have a speedy recovery.

Welcome to the world, Sayuri (my little fighter)!!